


Unlasting

by spaceyfish



Series: Sad Art Online [2]
Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Depression, Dissociation, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Violence, Polyamory, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-15 00:11:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21244298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceyfish/pseuds/spaceyfish
Summary: Fix-it fic. Canon compliant up to War of Underworld. Spoilers for Alicization/WoU.Living life is different in the real world and Kirigaya Kazuto doesn't kmow how to cope.





	Unlasting

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for depression, self harm tendencies, descriptions of self harm, suicidal ideation, and violent tendencies.
> 
> This is a longer sequel to At the End of the Road but can be read separately!

This time Kirito woke up on the floor just inside his bedroom. His throat felt as though it was filled with needles and his stomach felt as though it was filled though he hadn't eaten anything the day before. He didn't have the will to move. He dug his phone out of his pocket. Guilt filled his stomach further as he saw a missed call from Asuna and 20 missed texts from the day before. He began with the most harmless one and would work his way up. Sugu would be back home soon and his goal would be to at least seem like himself by the time she got back.

Sinon asking to party up in Alfheim Online...a rare request. He replied with an affirmative, to meet with her in the afternoon. It was perfect timing, he'd help her with her quest then dinner with his sister then...then he'd go back to this.

_ This _ was just not moving, not thinking, not doing anything really. When he had first woken from the Underworld he hadn't spoken, hadn't really done anything until Kikuoka tried to give him a half assed apology which still set his blood boiling. According to Asuna he had  _ tried _ to tear his eyes out. But he remembers nothing but a bone deep despair and loss. And clearly he failed. He'd seen Kikuoka last week during check ups and he looked perfectly healthy as he congratulated him on his continuing recovery and tentatively mentioned being a little less formal with him. Kirito politely accepted the invitation before checking if there were any blunt objects nearby. He quickly retreated to his office. Kirito had mumbled something about it being unfortunate, and Asuna had let out a startled laugh at the comment, saying he had gotten more bloodthirsty since the underworld.

He rolled on to his back as he tried to muster up the motivation to walk downstairs. His stomach wasn't growling yet so he didn't quite try to sit up. 

He answered a few messages asking how he was with what he found to be vague, neutral answers. Yes he was fine, yes he was doing ok, yes yes yes. In his opinion he was doing great. He hadn't tried to kill himself yet.

He felt he should feel some fear at the thought that it wasn't a yet and not a fact set in stone but he didn't feel anything.

It was another half an hour as he struggled with talking to Asuna and then he hung up the call, going to try to eat a snack before he logged on to ALO. If any of his vitals were too low the connection would be prohibited or monitored after all.

Once he'd managed to feed himself he came back to his room and actually laid in his bed. He closed his eyes against his better judgement. The softness felt nice against his back, almost as nice as the bed at the academy. It was quiet, peaceful and he began to drift, his alarm would wake him in time for his virtual meeting with Sinon anyway. He felt like he would walk in any second, wanting to crawl into his bed for a nap. And it would be just that, nothing more, nothing less, one of them would drag the other closer to use as their personal teddy bear. One of them would run a hand through the others hair. One of them would-

Kirito gasped awake, practically forcing himself conscious, mumbling to himself, "No, no no he's dead, he's dead, Eugeo's dead, there's  _ nothing _ -"

His phone pinged, startling him. 

He reached for it with shaking hands. 

Phone call from Sugu. She had a second sense. 

He ignored it, she would text him if he didn't pick up.

He wasn't crying, he took deep breaths to try to calm himself. 

He was fine.

Sweat rolled down his back.

He practically ran out of his room to take a shower, he felt like he was covered in dirt and nothing would get it off.

"Try two, " he said quietly to the empty room when he returned.

This time when he laid down, he logged on, landing in the field behind their home.

"Ah, there you are."

"Yo, Sinon."

Normally the wonder of nature that existed behind their cabin was refreshing. The low breeze, the perfect weather, the sound of water in the distance never failed to relax him.

"Papa!!!"

Kirito gave an oomph as a small fae headbutt his stomach in greeting, wrapping her arms around him.

"Yui,"

He had to swallow against the swell of emotions. She wouldn't make him feel bad about feeling bad, but if he broke down here...he would be booted out of the system and Sinon was  _ right there get a hold of yourself- _

"Papa? Are you okay?"

He hugged her tighter, nodding as he hid his face in her hair. He knew this wouldn't convince her, but her prior programming as player care AI gave her insight into these things. She wouldn't say anything in front of Sinon.

"Yui, are you coming on the quest with us?"

She gave an adorably confused look, "Quest?" She tilted her head, probably checking their guild's active quests.

"....quest??"

Kirito looked towards Sinon, who already had her hands held out before her, apologizing, "I actually just wanted to talk, face to face."

Kirito wanted to say no, wanted to just log off, but instead he sighed and flopped down into the grass.

Yui followed suit, a comforting weight on his torso. One day he'd get her to the real world. She'd loved exploring there in the drone, imagine if she could-

"Kirito?"

His eyes snapped to hers, "...sorry. Was thinking about what it'd be like to have Yui around in the real world."

Said girl squealed in excitement, "I can't wait!!! I have the best dad ever!"

"Ah good."

He was silent. She responded anyway. 

"I'm glad you're still thinking about things. When you first came back from the Underworld I was…you looked…"

She trailed off oddly, but now Kirito was curious. 

"What did I look like?"

She wouldn't meet his eyes, instead sitting down near enough to touch and replied south a broken voice half a minute later, "I didn't sleep that night, I was scared Kirito. I was so scared that in the morning I'd wake up and you wouldn't be here anymore. I was so scared-"

Kiriti sat up, guilt churning in his throat.

"Sinon…"

Kirito didn't remember much of that day, just that he was lucky he hadn't been charged for assault against Kikuoka.

He hadn't tried to kill himself, he wouldn't do that. But he also wasn't trying to live either. He hadn't tried to kill himself yet. Yet.

Yet.

"And then you barely spoke and Asuna said they hadn't seen you like this since sword art online…"

Kirito didn't say anything in response. 

She let out a breath, "Answer me truthfully, would you?"

"Si-"

"Would you attempt suicide? Answer me."

Her face paled rapidly as time passed. Kirito realized he'd left a dangerous question hang in the air for one moment too many. 

"I didn't! I didn't try anything, I swear-"

"Answer… the question." 

Her claws had dug into the dirt. It was true, he had subconsciously avoided the question by talking about what he had or hadn't done. Would he?

"I…" she finally looked at him, "I wouldn't. I can't."

She let out a small relieved breath, an even smaller frown forming, but he kept talking almost like he couldn't stop himself.

"I can't, but Sinon, god I want to. I want to. I can't though."

"W-why  _ can't _ you?"

She needed to know, what was keeping him safe? How strong was it?

"Someone very special died for me so I could live..so I can't...he'd never forgive me. He'd bring me back so Asuna could get her turn to kill me."

She shuddered at the dark joke, but he was still thinking of others. This wasn't just his depression. "But I can't do this Sinon...it's...so much. He'll never see this field. He'll never get to go to Agil's cafe with us. He'll never get to see my bike. I'll never get to take him to.....He's gone….and I'm here." It was grief.

"Oh Kirito…"

He smiled at her and it hurt so much to see.

"I don't know what to do without him. I wanted him to meet Asuna you know?"

She felt all the air in her lungs escape, "Eh?"

"I wanted...h-her approval.."

He finally, finally fell silent but Sinon could still feel his words stabbing through her gut.

She joined Yui in the hug, "Hey Kirito, tell me about the Underworld? About him? All of it, yeah?"

He spoke until he sounded like he was going to fall asleep, until his voice was hoarse.

Years..years..a whole lifetime really, dedicated to this Eugeo person.

Only for him to die protecting him.

What a tragedy she thought.

He logged off soon after, promising to log in later for daily quests.

He stared at the ceiling for a long time after he disconnected.

Just as he mustered the strength to sit up, he heard the door click open and then closed.

"Sugu…?"

He winced, his voice sounded a mess.

He made his way downstairs, glad he showered.

"Bro, I brought dinner from the station! Did you read my text? I'm glad you didn't cook!"

They made small talk, Kirito feeling more and more tired every moment.

"I'm gonna take a shower before we eat!"

"Okay, Sugu."

Dinner ended up being a quiet thing, done in the living room. About ten minutes into the meal the doorbell rang.

Kirito peeked through the security lens only to see Sinon herself.

"Wh…" He quickly opened the door, "Uh."

She was gasping for breath.

"Is...this...a...bad...time…"

"Um. Dinner?"

Kirito could slap himself, of course all that would worry her enough for her to trek all the way here. Especially if he'd been avoiding everyone and everything for weeks.

Sinon was sharp enough not to worry his sister. She dug her amusphere out of her bag, "I thought we could do some local quests."

Sugu groaned in disappointment. "I'd join but… _ homework. _ "

They eventually made it to Kirito's room, "I...probably should have told you I was-"

"It's okay. I...I'm sorry I worried you," his tablet screen flickered on and off rapidly. "I'm sorry Yui."

She sat down on his bed, at home even though it was her first time in his room. She stared at him and continued to do so even when he sat at his desk and looked away.

"I'll be fine."

Silence.

"Really."

More silence.

" _ Sinon  _ what do you want me to say."

"Nothing. You started talking on your own. I didn't say anything."

Kirito was surprised to feel the sting of irritation, his friends could be so annoying sometimes.

"So, if you want to just ...talk, I'll listen. I won't tell anyone. Not even Asuna."

His friends could be wonderful sometimes.

He fiddled with the buttons on his chair. Why should he talk? He didn't particularly feel like it, especially after earlier. But he didn't particularly feel like anything and his therapist was  _ not _ helping. In the end what made his say anything at all wasn't the open expression on Sinon's face, or the fact that she hadn't judged him earlier, but it was the silence. The silence that grated on his ears that threatened sleep, that threatened to move his subconscious, that threatened to make him  _ think. _

She merely sat, almost unnaturally still, as he spoke.

"I've been like this since way before the Underworld…before sword art online even. Nothing has ever really helped. Until I met him. Maybe he thought I was getting better, or maybe he thought I was just...worth it. Either way I don't think he realized the reason I was doing so well was because he was there. Without him I don't know what to do. If I'd never met him I probably could have been fine. I have all of you after all? You guys help, more than you'll ever know." He paused, dragging a hand down his face as Sinon reminded herself to breathe.

"I was his number one priority, no matter how hard I resisted it. He made sure I ate, he always wanted to hear what I wanted to say, he was usually so kind and quiet but anytime anything put me in danger he'd get so mad. I...I loved him.."

"Asuna-"

He looked up, eyes wide and despairing, "I  _ love _ her but she needs to find it. The thing she can dedicate everything to. It's not me and she needs to have that. I'll be here for her, but I'm not everything. I'm not the reason she gets up in the morning, I'm the reason she goes to sleep at night even if she might have nightmares. Does that make sense?"

Sinon wanted to say no, but unfortunately it did. They loved each other and he would never leave her but Eugeo had been something else. It was different.

"Did you tell her?"

He nodded, "She knows about him."

"...I'm going to ask something else," she ran her eyes over her friend, he looked like he hadn't slept in days, his hair was tangled, he probably hadn't even noticed but he was shaking. How much had he even eaten? Had he been sleeping? "Do you think you'd try to hurt yourself?"

He didn't answer but he averted his eyes.

That was enough of an answer for her.

"You already have...when was the last time you slept? Have you had...a full meal recently? You're probably fine now, you had to in order to log in to ALO. But aside from that? I'm telling Sugu."

"Wh- don't you dare."

"She's helped you with this before. And she lives with you. I'm telling her, okay?"

Kirito scowled as he looked down, she thought he probably wouldn't talk to anyone as much as he had spoken with her.

"Fine."

She almost laughed, she'd never seen Kirito this...pouty. Was this what he was like in the Underworld? Or the real him, the side he hid from everyone else, she supposed?

"But first," she strolled over to him, gearing herself up to do something she usually wouldn't have the guts to do. He looked up, questioningly, "First?" She put a hand on his shoulder and used the leverage to sit on him, wrapping both arms and shoving her head into his collar.

"U-um…"

_ Aw he's embarrassed. Probably not as much as me, but he probably needs this. _

"Don't forget what you just told me, you have us."

"......yeah."

Kirito was distantly ashamed, all that and a hug from one of his closest friends is all it took to break him. She made a small noise of protest as he accidently gripped her tighter to wipe his eyes. She placed a gentle hand in his hair, petting him, encouraging him, and the affection was almost  _ too _ close to what he would get from Eugeo.

By the time they parted, their eyes were both wet.

"Thanks."

Day by day Kirito got better. He knew he had to or there would be no point. He still had his bad days though.

The next bad day was one filled with responsibilities. He had school - which he was so far beyond he just didn't want to go - then therapy, a meeting with Rath, and raid night with the ALO guild.

He ended up skipping his therapy appointment. The man didn't understand anything, thought he needed to get over the 'fake world' and focus on reality, scorned him for his approach to relationships, said he needed to do more for Asuna. If only he knew what Asuna thought of him. The focusing on reality bit could get Kirito on an almost endless discussion on AI, the composition of the human soul and the philosophy of what categorizes as  _ real _ .

But he didn't find the man intelligent enough to even begin.

The appointments were really just to get his medical file cleared for Rath.

He hadn't quit. He was unsure why but there was something keeping him from quitting the analysis team on the Underworld Project.

He wouldn't be able to handle talking to the therapist today. The appointment with Rath however...he could already tell it was going to be a disaster when he walked in only to find a smiling Kikuoka, strategically positioned on the other end of the long meeting table. There was, however, a more urgent concern.

"Asuna?"

His red headed girlfriend stood near Kikuoka, something behind his back.

"Hi Kirito. Sorry for keeping this from you. I've also been working with Rath on a small…project."

"Ah, Asuna-kun, let me explain. Please, sit."

The words flowed from Kikuoka like a steady stream.

Asuna had been sent into the Underworld after Kirito to retrieve Alice. But she also had been doing something else. After learning what had happened to Kirito in the Cathedral, it was found she could collect things. Shards of a crystal, pieces of a sword, lingering data, a line of code within memories.

It was enough to retrieve and slow the data deletion process of an eliminated fluctlight.

However the issue was the fluctlight's revival. There was no way to reinsert him into the current state of the Underworld.

So Kikuoka paused the world. While he could not work with Kirito's ethics on that particular experiment, he could empathize. He didn't believe what he was doing was strictly the most correct route to take the technology. Merely a route that could save lives. So he continued. And he tried not to think of them as people. And perhaps in the future he might think otherwise.

"-don't care about your ethics Kikuoka. Get to the point."

"Right!" He said cheerily, motioning Asuna aside.

In a small dock, was a gently shining cube.

"This fluctlig-"

Kirito had moved forwards without even realizing it, his whole being drawn to the extracted fluctlight, "Eugeo," he whispered.

"They're going to save him for you," Asuna explained gently.

Kirito felt his heart pounding in his chest. Simultaneous hope and fear surging through him and making him nauseous. It was a miracle. But what if it didn't work? He could have Eugeo back. He might just be a blank soul, with nothing of his best friend remaining. He might get to  _ live _ .

Kirito came back to himself taking deep, shaky breaths, Asuna gripping his wrists and holding him against the brick wall outside Rath's back door. His motorcycle keys clutched between their hands.

"...I'm okay."

She gave him an extremely skeptical glance, "Right. Sure you are."

She motioned for the keys.

He blinked at her, "Since when…."

"While you were unconscious. I needed an easy way back and forth once we got off that ship."

Kirito made a wondering sound as he appreciated Asuna on the bike. It was a gorgeous image and he probably wouldn't forget it.

"Well? Hop on."

He quickly decided he needed to get her a bike of her own. She was  _ good. _

They got to Agil's cafe in record time.

His friends voices floated past him. He supposed this was better than going straight home. They were supposed to be raiding tonight though.

"Earth to Kazuto."

He jumped. "Hey Asuna, is this guy ok?"

"Questionable."

"Hey!"

Sinon slid in to sit next to him, "Aren't we raiding tonight?"

"Canceled. Rain check." She stared at him for a moment, "Alright?"

"... think so."

She made a wondering sound, "Liar."

Kirito was highly tempted to pour his tea on her pants. 

"It'll be ok."

Kirito's next bad day was on their rescheduled raid. It wasn't going well. Kirito knew he was funneling his aggression and bad feelings into silly gamer rage and he didn't care. Asuna, his guarantee for solid dps numbers, was running late. The healers from the other guild alliances were shit and the other heavy hitters had incredibly terrible positioning.

It was their third run when Asuna logged on, with a helmed fairy, wielding a light blade. 

Her smile seemed nervous, "I brought some extra fire power."

Kirito greeted the newcomer, "Sorry you're joining us on a very rough night."

They didn't speak, merely shrugged and shook his hand. Asuna and the newcomer worked seamlessly forging an easy path through the trash mobs and corralled the other dps into better positions. Kirito was almost jealous.  _ Who is this player? _

They wore a short cape almost so blue it was black, lightweight armor, and a full head helm.

The final boss was beyond difficult. The world clear had already happened but they wanted to be in the top ten.

A large titan, adorned in spikes, carrying three blades, more armor that fell off, adding to the terrain as it exposed the boss, and spikes. Kirito was reminded uncomfortably of an automaton that held dozens of blades.

They had the boss down to twenty percent which meant the attack would start hitting even harder.

Asuna led the charge, using all of her offensive abilities in an impressive flurry. So impressive that at the end of it, her blade's condition had worn down to zero and began to shatter.

Fifteen percent. Their guild set off their remaining attacks with the others in a bright flash of light.

Twelve percent. Their guild didn't have too many attacks left due to the length of the battle and how much coverage they'd been doing for other members.

Kirito switched places with Asuna charging the hulking thing. It screeched. Kirito took a deep breath, tossing away his worries, his anger, and merely wanting to  _ win _ .

He charged forward launching a flurry of strikes.

Two percent.

He vaguely heard someone's voice rise in wonder that he did ten percent on his own.

He let down his guard for a millisecond, only to find that the spike in its head was not a spike but an arm, ripping the adornment blade from its back and launching a devastating attack towards Kirito and a majority of the raid group.

"I won't let you!"

It was the newcomer, they had leapt in front of Kirito, using their blade to block the brunt of the attack. Their hp quickly went from full to one percent. Kirito let out a curse. Their helmet was destroyed, revealing light blonde hair.

Kirito's eyes widened. That hair color was just like-

"Attack!"

He was moving before he could complete the thought, leaping past the newcomer to land the killing blow. He was blocked again.

The blonde shoved his blade between him and the boss. He fell to his knees almost immediately and Kirito quickly used the last of his ability points to launch an attack.

It was silent for long moments before they realized they'd won.

They'd won all because of a newbie with more guts than brains.

Kirito whipped around, practically running towards their new guildmate.

Blonde hair. Ice magic dissapaiting from his sword's defense skill.

Kirito falls to his knees in front of him, tilting his face up to meet a sheepish, nervous, smile.

"....Eu...geo?"

"Yo, Kirito."

Kirito felt two things.

The strong urge to cry and the urge to punch the guy in the face.

He gave in to both.

"What the  _ fuck _ . You couldn't just message me?"

"Sorry! I was scared-"

"Don't  _ ever _ do that again!"

Eugeo's eyes widened, it had been two months. Kirito meant the dying thing.

"It was worth it-"

Kirito punched him.

Eugeo groaned in pain, "Ok I may have deserved that- my  _ hp Kirito.. _ "

There were whispers from the alliance that the two were making such a big fuss over who got the last hit.

"How?"

"Huh?"

"Nevermind how..I have to get Kikuoka next...where are you?"

Eugeo rattled off an address.

"That's...my house."

They stared wide eyed at each other and suddenly both boys disconnected.

Sinon looked at Asuna.

She shrugged, "It was the best way to do this. If I told Kirito early he'd worry himself to death, if I told Eugeo where I'd taken him, he would've been too nervous to even log on."

Sinon patted Asuna on the shoulder, "Yuuki and Kirigaya are lucky to have you."

"W-what-"

Kirito practically ripped the amusphere off, lurching towards his door.

He ran towards the guest bedroom, the door slammed open before he could open it himself.

He stared into vibrant green eyes.

The moon was shining through the window, illuminating Eugeo. He wore a simple black tshirt, jeans with worn down edges, and disgustingly bright blue boots.

A hand ran across his face.

_ Oh, I'm crying. That's rare. _

Kirito leaned into Eugeo's hand, it's warmth gripping him like nothing else.

"You made it. You're here."

"Yeah. It...almost seems like a dream..I…"

Kirito wrapped his arms around Eugeo's torse.

"You're alive."

"Kirito…"

"Don't leave me again…"

Eugeo finally hugged back, pressing his face into Kirito's hair.

"I don't ever want to leave your side again," he whispered.

They'd always hoped the other was alive somewhere.

They'd hoped the other could be happy.

Being able to see each other again was a dream, one they'd happily never wake up from.

**Author's Note:**

> Just want to say punching is bad, but it didn't actually hurt him and he would never do it irl.
> 
> I like the idea of Shino and Kirito being gay best friends.


End file.
